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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22576195">Of Holding On and Letting Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneDarkwin/pseuds/ShaneDarkwin'>ShaneDarkwin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Leaves the Jedi Order, Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:00:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,500</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22576195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneDarkwin/pseuds/ShaneDarkwin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When his Padawan refuses to accept the Council's offer to come back to the Order, Anakin Skywalker is heartbroken. While everyone is telling him to let her go, he knows it deep within his heart to be impossible. But what if holding on too tightly is only going to drive her further away from him in the end?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anakin Skywalker &amp; Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>There's tons of these out there but with Clone Wars coming to an end this month I felt this might be my last chance try my hand at this.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I understand, more than you realise, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I know. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Her words were still hanging in the air, heavy with meaning, as Anakin stood in front of the Jedi temple by himself, watching his Padawan disappear down the grand staircase. </p><p> </p><p>He felt helpless, paralyzed. His mind was screaming at him to run after her again, to make her stay. But Anakin pushed down the voices wailing inside of him, saying she was abandoning him and that he couldn't let this happen, that he needed to find a way to keep her from leaving. He drowned them out by replaying that last part over and over again in his head. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I know. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka had, in a way, been closer to him than anyone had come before. It was a unique closeness, nothing like the relationship he had with Obi-Wan or let alone, Padmé. They were too alike to compare it to his relationship with his former Master and the love he felt for her was one entirely different to those he harboured for his wife. But despite her tender age, Ahsoka had grown to understand and read him in ways no one else could. Only now, as he stared at the vast, empty space in front of him, Anakin realised how well she truly knew him. </p><p> </p><p>A last surge of yearning shot through him, a desperate cry to call out to her one final time, but Anakin suppressed the urge.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I need to figure this out on my own. Without the Council, and without you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Hé squeezed his eyes shut as he turned away, her voice echoing in his head, his body aflame with shame and sorrow. </p><p> </p><p>He had failed her. He hadn't been strong enough to protect her, he hadn't fought hard enough, hadn't <em>been</em> enough. </p><p> </p><p>And now, she was gone. </p><hr/><p>Anakin blinks. He is no longer at the stairs where he watched Ahsoka walk away. He is inside, in an empty corridor. Looking left, looking right, no one in sight. Good. He needs to get out of there.</p><p> </p><p>Left.</p><p>Another empty corridor. </p><p> </p><p>Walking faster now, Anakin aims for an exit that will lead him right to a speeder. He needs Padmé. She will make this okay. Somehow, she will make it all better. She always does. </p><p> </p><p>Left again.</p><p>Two younglings chasing each other. One disappears through an arch, the other one following suit. </p><p> </p><p>Right.</p><p>Empty hall. </p><p> </p><p>Left.</p><p>A guard. He nods, Anakin storms on, barely taking notice of anything. </p><p> </p><p>Right.</p><p>A group of Padawans and their masters exiting a conference room. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin spins around, takes a sharp right back onto the corridor he's come from, telling himself he will just take the next one right and then-</p><p> </p><p>"Anakin!" </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan.</p><p> </p><p>"Anakin, I've been looking everywhere for you. I am so sorry. The Council-" </p><p> </p><p>He put a hand on Anakin's shoulder. A gesture of comfort by default but Anakin jerks back. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to hear it, Obi-Wan! Don't tell me the Council extends their regards, because those words are empty. They expelled her to save their own skin and you know it!" he shouted, unaware and mindless to any possible bystanders. </p><p> </p><p>Clearly shocked by his friend's explosive reaction, Obi-Wan steps back and Anakin seizes this moment of weakness to push past him, ignoring the calls of his name as he marches down the corridor and out of the temple. </p><hr/><p>Now in a lift going up, Anakin can't recall how he got to the executive building of the Senate. He vaguely remembers parking a speeder but the memory is fuzzy and his head begins to ache as he tries to sharpen the image in his mind so he abandons the thought altogether. He knows why he's here and that's all that counts. </p><p> </p><p>His body goes into autopilot as the lift's door opens. His legs carry him down the floor and in front of Padmé's office as they have done countless times before. With the last of his strength he presses the button next to the door when it doesn't open automatically, a grave indicator that Padmé is tending to her senatorial duties and wishes not to be disturbed. He rubs his neck to alleviate both his anxiety and the pain, telling himself that salvation is only a few feet away. </p><p> </p><p>The door hisses open and the Jedi practically stumbles into the office. Before he can bring out the words to tell his wife what happened, Anakin glimpses a second figure sitting on the sofa by the broad window and for a second, he holds his breath, full with hope. But as he steps closer and gains a clear vision he can make out a young Pantoran, recognising Senator Chuchi and his heart falls. His disappointment is tangible and as if she was far away, Anakin just faintly hears Padmé asking if he is alright. When he fails to answer, she stands, walking towards him. </p><p> </p><p>"Did something happen?" she asks and Anakin swallow hard. </p><p> </p><p>"It's Ahsoka," he manages to choke out before his voice betrays him. </p><p> </p><p>"Is she alright?" </p><p> </p><p>It's Chuchi who has spoken and it takes Anakin a moment to realise this. She is up now, too, standing next to Padmé and eyes fixed on him, waiting. There's something about her posture and expression that doesn't sit right with him. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin straightens his posture. This is no moment for weakness.</p><p> </p><p>"With all due respect, Senator, this is no topic that concerns you," he says, his voice cold, colder than intended but Anakin doesn't care. He stares down at the shorter sentient, fully intending to risk intimidating a senator of the Galactic Republic if it brings him the privacy he so desperately needs. </p><p> </p><p>Only that the Pantoran refuses to be intimidated, holding Anakin's stare. She takes a step towards him, head held high although she barely reaches up to Anakin's shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"With all due respect, <em>Master Jedi</em>," she responds, crossing her arms in front of her chest, "but Ahsoka is a close friend of mine and I am just as concerned about her well-being as you are." </p><p> </p><p>A moment goes by that neither of them is willing to back down until Padmé clears her throat, breaking them out of their contest. </p><p> </p><p>"Senator Chuchi is indeed a faithful friend to Ahsoka, seeing as she was of great help in contriving the best possible defense for her in the trial," Padmé explains in an attempt to defuse the tension, "and I must apologise on his behalf, Senator, but Master Skywalker's relationship with his Padawan runs deeper than one would imagine. You will surely have some understanding for his unstable constitution."</p><p> </p><p>They hold each other's glare for another moment, then Anakin gives a short nod in recognition of her efforts and then averts his eyes. Through gritted teeth he recounts how Ahsoka refused the Council's offer to rejoin the Order. He leaves out their talk in front of the temple as it is a matter for the private conversation that he came here in search of. </p><p> </p><p>"Where is she now?" Chuchi asks and anger flares up in Anakin once more at the demanding tone of her voice. He wants to lash out and tell her that if he knew he wouldn't be here right now but out of the corner of his eye he sees Padmé looking at him expectantly and holds back, settling for a glare instead. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know. She wouldn't tell me where she was going, only that she needed to be on her own and so I- I let her go." </p><p> </p><p>He tries to ignore how Padmé's head perks up at these last four words but can't. The empathy on her eyes is gut wrenching and Anakin looks away, tears welling up in his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment of silence Chuchi excuses herself. She says a few words to Padmé but they barely register with him. In passing Anakin feels her eyes on him, as if she were trying to decide something and then the young Senator gives a court nod. </p><p> </p><p>"Master Skywalker." </p><p> </p><p>The door hisses and they're finally alone, leaving Anakin to break down in Padmé's arms. </p><p>The tears now freely stream down his face, every last bit of pretend strength he had having left along with the senator. He grips onto Padmé's dress for dear life as she holds him, running a hand through his hair to soothe him, speaking softly. </p><p> </p><p>It takes Anakin a while to calm down enough to comprehend that the underlying whisper isn't in his head, but that he is talking ever so quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"I couldn't save her and now she's gone. She left me and it's all my fault." </p><p> </p><p>"Did Ahsoka say that?" he hears Padmé asking and blinks in confusion. She then let's him sit and asks him to tell her again what his lost student said. </p><p> </p><p>His head is spinning, dull from crying and somehow his entire body feels heavy. Almost mechanically, he repeats the words stuck in his head. </p><p> </p><p>Padmé's hand rubs his back and all he wants is to lean into the touch, let her take away all of his hurting but there's something holding him back. </p><p> </p><p><em>I know</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"You did what's best for her in letting her go. She knows you did everything you could and that is enough. Ahsoka even said it, this has nothing to do with you. You taught her well enough to conquer what's to come for her. And when she found what she needed to know about herself, she will come back to you." </p><p> </p><p>Anakin finds himself agreeing, though his voice is that of a stranger in his ears. </p><p> </p><p>Then Padmé is suddenly up, steering towards her desk and he hears her proposing to retire to their home to talk this out in a more peaceful environment. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes," is all he can coax out as he watches the light of his life rummaging through the drawers of her giant desk, his mind clouded with thoughts he cannot bring himself to speak aloud. </p><p> </p><p>They're still there, lurking in the back of his mind as the couple makes their way down the corridor. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn't save Ahsoka, couldn't protect her from a threat that had been right under his nose the entire time. So how had he ever thought he was strong enough to protect Padmé? </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so after many struggles here's part two. thank you so much to everyone who's left a comment or kudos, it really makes my day brighter and does wonders for my motivation.<br/>also thanks for sticking with this little passion project, it really means a lot to me</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>The millions of lights of Coruscant's nightlife keep Anakin company as he stands on the edge of the balcony, a cool breeze toying with his hair. </p><p> </p><p>The pain in his chest is persistent but a welcome sensation compared to the all-consuming hatred and fury he has fought the days following his breakdown. </p><p>Those emotions, he has come to realise, were a product of years of mistreatment, repression and his crippling fear of inadequacy, of failing the one he vowed to protect with his life; Ahsoka leaving didn't caused them, it had merely been the spark that set off a chain reaction. A chain reaction resulting in the decision that, looking out at the buzzing city beneath him, Anakin feels is as inevitable as it is overdue. </p><p> </p><p>In the years leading up to this moment he was forced to deny his true feelings for his wife and to hide their relationship to the point it threatened its very existence. He was depraved of a title he long deserved, sowing resentment towards the Council that would turn a blind eye to his success in the process. When they expelled his Padawan from the Order, Anakin had to admit it had felt like a personal attack of sorts. And revealing the true perpetrator to be a member of the Order, though he was aware of the damage it did to the Jedi's public image, had given him a sense of satisfaction. </p><p> </p><p>Looking back at the events of the past months, losing Ahsoka over the Council's inability to admit to their errors, beating up Rush Clovis in front of Padmé and being unable to contain his rage to name just a few, only affirms him in his choice. </p><p> </p><p>He, Anakin Skywalker, has to leave the Jedi Order. </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The day is a bright one. It's a day promising fortune and pleasantries, Obi-Wan thinks to himself as he strides through the endless corridors of the Jedi Temple. Hands clasped behind his back, he watches as a gathering of Younglings practises strikes with their lightsabers, some more successfully than others, and a smile forms on his lips. Their eagerness and drive remind him of his former apprentice and before Obi-Wan knows it, memories of simpler times take over his mind. </p><p> </p><p>He is still deep in thought when a hand taps his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Obi-Wan, do you have a minute?" </p><p> </p><p>To his surprise it is Anakin, the fully grown version of him rather than the boy Obi-Wan trained and raised, standing before him. He looks a little worn out, as if after a sleepless night, but seems much more grounded than the he has the previous weeks. There's an aura of nervous energy surrounding him, though, that makes Obi-Wan question just how much of that calm exterior is real and how much pretend. </p><p> </p><p>When he nods, Anakin glances around sheepishly and asks to move their conversation to a more secluded area. Strange, Obi-Wan thinks, but Anakin has always been somewhat mysterious. He complies and follows the younger Jedi to his private chambers. Once the door hisses shut behind them Obi-Wan feels Anakin's anxiety filling the room, the tension weighing down heavy on the dimly lit space. The Knight is pacing the small space like a caged animal, no doubt working up the courage to bring up a sensitive issue. </p><p> </p><p>"Anakin, would you calm down and explain what this is all about?" Obi-Wan breaks him out of his trance. Arms folded across his chest, his face displays the look of worried question it has grown accustomed to over the years of dealing with the impulsive Chosen One. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin seems to force himself to stand still, quiet for a moment as the energy in the room shifts. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm leaving the Order."</p><p> </p><p>The words are a statement. They come out a tad pressed, with a sense of urgency but his voice is firm and leaves no space for doubt or question. Obi-Wan can tell immediately that Anakin is presenting him with a decision. </p><p> </p><p>A decision which is setting him up for failure. </p><p> </p><p>"Is this about Ahsoka? Because I know you still haven't let her go but this will not bring her back, Anakin. It was the right choice for her to leave but-" </p><p> </p><p>Until now Anakin had his back turned to him while Obi-Wan spoke but at the mention of his former Padawan's name the Jedi Knight spins around, pointing a daring finger at his friend. </p><p> </p><p>"This has nothing to do with her!" he lashes out, anger flaring in his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan doesn't flinch. He is used to the younger man's erratic outbursts. They eventually decreased in frequency but he has been prone to them ever since he was a young boy. What is new, however, is the horror flashing over Anakin's face. It's there only for an instant before he whips around again, face concealed by shadows. </p><p> </p><p>It happens so fast that Obi-Wan wonders if it was only there in his imagination. But as Anakin resumes talking, his doubts quickly fade away. </p><p> </p><p>The voice of a tortured soul tells him a story seeping with pain, suffocating fear and helplessness of such gratitude that lesser men would have cracked and broken under its weight long ago. </p><p> </p><p>As Anakin speaks of the nightmares of loss that plague him, the inability to control his temper and subsequent worry of falling prey to his own dark side, Obi-Wan feels a sense of dread he has never experienced before. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Look at the boy you all consider the Chosen One. He is broken. You failed him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"... they would never understand. That's why I need to leave."</p><p> </p><p>"You can't do that, Anakin. Not when you're already tempted to turn to the Dark. The Council will-" </p><p> </p><p>"The Council is out of touch!" Anakin yells and Obi-Wan realises his mistake too late.</p><p>"They failed Ahsoka, they failed Barriss Offee, they keep failing to end this war and they're losing the support of the public."</p><p> </p><p>"You almost sound like you're agreeing with her."</p><p> </p><p>It's a warning. </p><p>Anakin seems to understand it as such and hesitates for a moment but that only increases Obi-Wan's suspicion: If Anakin means what he's saying, then he might have already slipped farther into the Dark than any of them noticed. And the Council would not take words like these lightly. Admittedly, Obi-Wan can't entirely deny the accusations Barriss Offee has made against the Order, yet it is a matter best addressed behind closed doors for only the most level-headed of the Jedi to discuss. Certainly not a topic for a conversation like this. </p><p> </p><p>"Barriss was a traitor," Anakin growls through gritted teeth, "She framed Ahsoka for the murder of innocent workers and Jedi. Nearly had her executed. I could never agree with someone like that."</p><p> </p><p>The spikes of anger that flare up in the Force tell Obi-Wan he means it. Despite Anakin's still heated temper, the older Jedi relaxes. There's a deep sigh. </p><p> </p><p>"What I mean is, the Order as a whole, the Codex, the Council, our role in this war, it doesn't feel right anymore." </p><p> </p><p>Turning to him now, Anakin speaks more softly. "And if you're honest, can you really say that the Order has never failed you, either?" </p><p> </p><p>The question, even if more a rhetorical one, hits him unprepared. Involuntarily a surge of memories sweeps over Obi-Wan. Before his inner eye he sees the face of Dutchess Satine Kryze. He hears her voice, a soft sound, her words are full of warmth and love as she says his name. The images are soon replaced by bickering; her tone has an edge to it but it coaxes a reminiscent smile out of him nonetheless. A scream pierces through the memory, tearing it apart as one takes it place that Obi-Wan has banished to the dark corners of his mind. </p><p>Maul, standing in front of Satine's throne he claimed, vowing to let Obi-Wan share the pain he went through. The premonition of what was about to happen and the sheer, blind panic of knowing he could do nothing to stop it is consuming but he strains, hopelessly fighting to change the course of events still. </p><p>Her pleading, terrified eyes as Maul, true to his word, impales her on the Darksaber. How even in the face of death, a death brought upon her because his nemisis knew of Obi-Wan's feelings for her, she held on to their love. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I loved you always. Always will. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan forces himself to open his eyes, the dim light of the room pouring into him and exiling these thoughts to the corners they came from. Only Satine's last words remain, a somber whisper in the back of his mind as Anakin's voice calls him back to reality. </p><p> </p><p>"You needn't answer. I know that you hold the Codex high and I do not wish for you to disrespect something you honour with your life to prove my point. I just," he hesitates again, as if rethinking a choice but then pushes on, "I cannot live a lie any longer. The Jedi Codex forbids us from forming attachments and I-" </p><p> </p><p>This time it's Obi-Wan who cuts him off. </p><p> </p><p>"You have broken that rule a long time ago. Your feelings for Senator Amidala are a secret poorly kept, Anakin," he finishes for him and can't keep the knowing smile from breaking on his face. </p><p> </p><p>Anakin's face is a flurry of emotions. Obi-Wan can identify shock, confusion and worry but as his words seep through to the young man they are all washed away by a wave of relief. </p><p> </p><p>"Who else knows?" The question is laced with uneasiness. </p><p> </p><p>"No one who couldn't be trusted with sensitive intel like this," Obi-Wan assured him before listing off Anakin's Padawan, his first in command, Captain Rex, and a handful of other soldiers of the 501st legion who he has caught exchanging meaningful glances at some point. </p><p> </p><p>A hoarse laugh escapes Anakin and he runs a hand through his hair. His relief is radiant and tangible in the Force as it flows around him, now bathing the room in a brightness that can only be felt, not seen. </p><p>It's been a long time since Obi-Wan had seen him this happy and carefree almost. He even seems to stand a little taller now with this undoubtedly tremendous weight off his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>But no matter how desperately both of them crave to savour this moment of bliss, it passes. The grin on Anakin's face slowly fades as a more serious expression takes its place. </p><p> </p><p>"These emotions and urges I've been experiencing," he says referring to his earlier confession, "I used to banish them into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind because they went against everything the Jedi ever taught me. But when she left, it was like all of the restraints and walls I built came crashing down with it."</p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan doesn't like the sound of that but stays quiet, watching his friend with a concerned gaze as sits down, head tilted to the side to shield his face. </p><p> </p><p>"Through Padmé it was that I fought my way back to the light when those thoughts came over me. She would remind me of the good we did in the galaxy, the people we've freed and the systems we've brought hope. </p><p> </p><p>"Yet I still couldn't shake this feeling of resentment towards the Order. I don't mean to justify her acts but maybe Barriss did have a point. We lost our way, Obi-Wan. In this war we have lost so much that an outsider had to remind me of our victories. And I keep asking myself: If it has already come to this, can this was ever truly be won? Or have we lost a long time ago without even noticing it?"</p><p> </p><p>As Anakin looks up at him and Obi-Wan feels a jolt of pain rattling his body at the sight. The boy he once was seems to have gone. His eyes are devoid of the light they held just a minute ago. It is replaced by doubt, loss and, to Obi-Wan's own surprise, defeat. It's a look he has never seen before on Anakin's face and it definitively is not one that suits him. </p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan thinks of a conversation he had with Master Windu. In confidence he had shared with him that the war's outcome was becoming more uncertain than they feared. </p><p>'<em>No longer certain that one ever does win a war, I am</em>', Master Yoda had told him. </p><p>As worrying as the Grandmaster's cryptic message had been, hearing the Chosen One utter the same doubts stirred an uneasy feeling in the pit of Obi-Wan's stomach. </p><p> </p><p>"All of this uncertainty made me question whether the Jedi can really give me what I need. If they can make as strong as I need to be to…" </p><p> </p><p>He doesn't finish the thought but Obi-Wan doesn't need to hear it. The sentiment is clear as day. All of his doubt was culminating in the one thing Obi-Wan had feared ever since the episode on Mortis they had barely escaped with their lives: Anakin's dark side was gaining control of him. </p><p> </p><p>The next steps are crucial, he knows, and so Obi-Wan proceeds with the necessary caution. </p><p> </p><p>"I see your pain, Anakin, and I understand it. In a way you're right, we did fail Ahsoka. And I'm ashamed to admit that I failed you, too. With the prophecy of the Chosen One, I assume I just never gave it any thought that you could need my guidance in areas outside the Jedi duties and," Obi-Wan sighs, a realisation hitting him as the words flow freely from his heart, "I want you to know I am sorry."</p><p> </p><p>He knows he's hit a nerve almost instantly when Anakin lifts his head. His face displays an expression of positive surprise.</p><p> </p><p>"But I must urge you not to make any rash decisions."</p><p> </p><p>Before Anakin can protest, Obi-Wan continues:</p><p>"You've faced many trials during your time as my Padawan and an even greater number as a teacher yourself. And I'm sure you have come to realise that the most difficult one of all is to look inside oneself. Often we find things we don't like but we have to understand that these aspects are not set in stone. It's our decisions that shape our destinies."</p><p> </p><p>Obi-Wan places a gentle hand on Anakin's shoulder and the younger man nods reluctantly. Taking a deep breath, he tries to calm his racing thoughts. When the screaming in his mind finally subsides and he regains his focus, Anakin begins to unravel the net of anxieties. </p><p> </p><p>Laying all of these deeply rooted feelings open for his closest friend to hear leaves him more vulnerable than he can remember ever being. There's a part of him that almost doesn't let him but with every word that comes over his lips that voice grows quieter until it's nothing but a faint whisper in the back of his head. </p><p> </p><p>It never fully leaves, still there, still eating away at him as he walks out of the temple hours later. The sun is beginning to set, the sky burning in a captivating red as Anakin looks out over the city of Coruscant. </p><p> </p><p>The day has not panned out at all how he planned but he feels accomplished nevertheless. Although Anakin can't quite shake the weariness of sharing his darkest secrets, a comforting feeling spreads throughout his body. Because this was the first step towards freedom. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>for the nerds like me, here's some 'sources': the quotes are from tcw season 5 episode 16 (satine's death) and season 6 episode 13 (yoda's take on winning the war). the end of Obi-Wan's little lecture is taken from the original clone wars series from 2003 where it's said right before the ending as well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Why did you leave? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The voice comes from everywhere and nowhere at once. It's his and it's everywhere around her. It's everything around her. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Where were you when I needed you? </em>
</p><p>Drenched in anger and sorrow, the words send daggers of guilt cutting through her. It had been her decision to leave. And in doing so she didn't only leave the Order, but she left him, too. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You were selfish. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The accusation knocks the wind from her lungs. The sound of her own heartbeat mixes with the harsh words, threatening to drown them out. Out of the corner of her eye she sees movement in the darkness surrounding her. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You abandoned me! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A flash of red violently rips apart the shadows, blinding her. Her ears go deaf at the sudden explosion of noise around her, dozens of heavy boots falling into step, orders being shouted. </p><p> </p><p>Her vision returns but she wishes it hadn't. Face to face with the barrel of a blaster, the chanting of a hundred strong choir is the last thing she hears. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Good soldiers follow orders! Good soldiers follow order! Good soldiers follow orders! </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Aimlessly drifting through the alleyways of a level close to Coruscant's core, Ahsoka is shivering. She can't quite remember what level exactly she's on now. The filthy streets are all lined up in the same fashion, meticulous planning reducing them to little more than an indistinguishable blur of dark corners and miserable faces wherever she goes. </p><p> </p><p>She had run out of credits. With no means to pay for the room that had served as both a cage and safe haven for her, she had no choice but to take to the deeper levels once more. </p><p> </p><p>The air gets worse the lower she ventures and Ahsoka is starting to wonder whether that plays into her sudden urge to return to surface. She shakes her head. No, she made it this far on her own and she wouldn't back down now. She wasn't going to crawl back to a life of betrayal and misplaced trust. She couldn't. </p><p> </p><p>Determined but at a loss for direction Ahsoka heads north, pulling the coat she bought on one of her first days out on her own tighter around herself. As she walks her surroundings blend into one another until they fade away completely, giving way to the memories she has been failing to put behind her ever since leaving the Jedi. </p><p> </p><p>The faces of Master Plo and Obi-Wan swim into her vision but instead of the familiar warmth they used to grant once upon a time, all she can feel is the cold sting of disappointment and a broken bond to the man who was the closest thing she had to a father all her life. Her decision to leave the Order still stands, only affirmed by the heavy contemplation of the previous weeks. The Council's unforgiving choice to expell her had opened Ahsoka's eyes to their hypocrisy and spineless conformation. She just hadn't expected that the two men she had been so close to would be fooled along with an overwhelming majority of the Republic Senate. </p><p> </p><p>Another face pops into her head at the thought of the Senate but Ahsoka shakes her head to rid her mind of the image of a certain Pantoran. She hadn't been able to think of her ever since Anakin barged into the Senate's rotunda, foiling the verdict that would have meant her untimely demise and presenting the Galaxy with the true culprit behind the bombings. Like the two Jedi Masters, Barriss turned out to be another case of trust given foolishly. It was because of her that Ahsoka didn't dare to hope she might still have a friend in the young senator. </p><p> </p><p>Barriss name still tears through her like ice but at least she has gained a twisted sort of proficiency in picking up the pieces of her shattered heart now whenever it does. Out of everything that led to her self-inflicted exile, Barriss' betrayal is the one that hit her the hardest. Being abandoned by the Order, being hunted down like an animal by her own men, being prosecuted and nearly sentenced for a crime she was innocent of had undoubtedly all left its marks on Ahsoka. But none of it matched up with the scars of finding out the person behind it all was none other than Ahsoka's closest friend. </p><p> </p><p>For many nights and the occasional day, she had pondered the question of what led Barriss to choose her to frame for this. Why she had felt it was necessary to go as far as risk Ahsoka's life, to set her up, beat her and strip her of the last ounce of credibility she had left. If Barriss had forseen the end of the trial or if she would have even cared had Ahsoka actually been executed. </p><p> </p><p>Her eyes begin to burn, wet with tears and she wipes them with the back of her hand. This isn't the time for weakness, she tells herself. But maybe, just maybe, the tidal wave of memories can prove useful. It has given her an idea, after all.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Ahsoka takes a deep breath and rounds the corner, stepping onto a dark and deserted alley. There's virtually nothing discerning it from any other but she has to fight to keep her emotions at bay as she makes her way down this street on Level 1312. </p><p> </p><p>She's already made it halfway to the complex she has set her mind on when doubt catches up with her. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What if she isn't here anymore? She could be anywhere. Why should she even still be on this kriffing planet? Not everyone is as big a coward as you. And even if she still is here, why should she help you, again?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Mid-step, Ahsoka stops. She is no Jedi anymore. Out here, she's just another sad but meaningless story, not an influential member of a renowned Order. Moreover, she has run out of credits. The voice in her head is right: She has nothing to offer. And her last hope isn't exactly a charitable entity. </p><p> </p><p>Force, this was a bad idea. </p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka squeezes her eyes shut, still cursing under her breath as she turns to leave for- </p><p> </p><p>"Where are you gonna go now?" she mutters to herself. </p><p> </p><p>She approaches the corner of the alleyway hesitantly, her mind devoid of suggestions. The rumble in her stomach saves her from dipping to far into despair, though, giving her at least a temporary objective. Ahsoka cranes her neck to spot any vendors on the busier street she is stepping onto. A rookie mistake. </p><p> </p><p>Someone runs right into her and a second time that day she feels the air knocked from her lungs, this time quite literally. To catch her balance again she stumbles backwards, nearly trampling a Rodian man sitting on the ground. He sends her faltering into the opposite direction with an angry push against her knee. </p><p> </p><p>Once her balance is regained, Ahsoka pats down her coat. She has without doubt just become victim of a pickpocket. An unlucky one, at that, since she hasn't had anything valuable on her in the first place. </p><p> </p><p>The steady stream of passerbyers resumes around her. Her little maneuver was nothing out of the ordinary for them, if anything a mildly annoying inconvenience. There is a weird sense of comfort in the absolute anonymity of places like Coruscant's underworld, she muses.</p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka straightens and her train of thought is stopped dead in its tracks when she locks eyes with a pale, gloomy looking face. </p><p> </p><p>The Dathomirian witch recognizes her too, that much Ahsoka can tell in the instant it takes her to halt before she turns on her heel and marches back up the way she came. </p><p> </p><p>Instinctively or perhaps simply out of desperation Ahsoka pushes through the crowd to catch up with her. By sheer chance she manages to come up behind her as the slender figure ducks into an alley. Ahsoka cuts through a group of Bith and can still hear their shouts as she skids to a stop. </p><p> </p><p>Asajj Ventress is blocking her way, blaster raised to Ahsoka's head and a scowl on her face that could easily make her blood run cold if she wasn't already freezing as it is. </p><p> </p><p>"You better explain why you're following me if you don't want to end up with a new headdress, although that has already happened I see," the Sith turned bounty hunter snarls. Her smirk is audible in the last part. </p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka forces herself to ignore the painful memory of exchanging her beloved headdress of teeth to the more moderate, practical one gracing her lekku now. </p><p> </p><p>"I need a favor."</p><p> </p><p>The blaster doesn't quiver as her opponent cocks her head in a mixture of amusement and confusion. </p><p> </p><p>"Let me refresh your memory, child, because I already strung you along the last time our paths crossed and that didn't end too well for me," she lowers her arm and raises her eyebrow instead. The gesture is no less intimidating, however. </p><p>"If you want my help again I expect something in return this time. So, what do you have to offer?"</p><p> </p><p>The young Togruta begins to stammer, the words refusing to come out in a coherent sentence. Before she can get her brain and tongue to cooperate, Ventress turns to walk away again with a dismissive "thought so". </p><p>She's a couple of strides down the alley when, finally, Ahsoka finds her voice. </p><p> </p><p>"Your lightsabers!" </p><p> </p><p>The exclaim fulfils its purpose. Ventress stops and Ahsoka quickly continues before the assassin can change her mind. </p><p> </p><p>"I know where they are and I know how to get them back," she says firmly, hoping her voice doesn't give away that the claim isn't entirely truthful. </p><p> </p><p>"How should you-" </p><p> </p><p>She explains how Anakin told her all about his miraculous rescue, of meeting Ventress and the duel with Barriss. In passing he mentioned keeping them in a unit safe down in the Temple, along with an assortment of lightsabers of killed Jedi. She barely took any notice of it back then but now the tidbit of information proved more than useful. </p><p> </p><p>"And why should I trust that you're not just making this up?" Ventress squints at her. She's clearly intrigued by the idea. Ahsoka can only assume she is as attached to the weapons as she was to her own. They're a loss that still stings. Maybe not quite as much losing Anakin but- </p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to," she drowns out her thoughts by answering, "I can just lead you to them instead." </p><p> </p><p>For a torturous second Ventress regards her and Ahsoka barely dares to breathe. Then a short nod relieves the tension and next thing she knows, Ventress is a few feet ahead of her. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on, then, I have a feeling this isn't the sort of conversation suitable for open spaces." </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The noise of the patrons chattering mixes with drunken singing as the band on the opposite end of the bar delves into their next set. An odor reminiscent of the atmosphere of this place fills the air, and Ahsoka can't help but think that it's somehow fitting. </p><p> </p><p>Granted, the establishment Ventress led her to is a palace compared to some of the places the Togruta has seen in the time she spent by herself. Something still feels off, though. Maybe it is the strange drink that Ventress has ordered for her. Maybe it's the fact that the bounty hunter excused herself to the back to talk to a client some time ago and still hasn't returned. </p><p>She hasn't volunteered much information about it, either, but then again, Ahsoka isn't too keen on the matter anyways. The less she knows the better. </p><p> </p><p>Just as she's beginning to consider tapping out another drink is set down beside hers and Ventress slides into the seat opposite her. </p><p> </p><p>"So," she says and takes a swig of the blue liquid in her glass, "tell me how exactly you're planning on breaking into the Jedi temple."</p><p> </p><p>And Ahsoka does. It's by no means a perfect plan and she has a lot riding on the assumption that in the few months since leaving the Order she has mastered the skill of concealing her Force signature yet she hopes that the bounty hunter will be fooled by her fake confidence. </p><p> </p><p>"You will merely have to follow my lead. And we'd have to wait for a fitting occasion, a battle of sorts maybe. There's no way pulling this off with the Council present."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, don't worry. I can arrange for that," Ventress smirks, sending a cold shiver down Ahsoka's spine. Once again, she decides against asking. </p><p> </p><p>If Ventress sees through her little act, she doesn't show it. She leans back in her chair, emptying her drink and then gestures in Ahsoka's direction. </p><p> </p><p>"But answer me this, what's in it for you? Surely you're not doing this out of purely goodwill." </p><p> </p><p>"I need to get off this planet." </p><p> </p><p>The answer is instantaneous. </p><p> </p><p>"There's no reliable way out of this system for someone with little money. I help you get your lightsabers back, you help me acquire means to get out of here." </p><p> </p><p>That piercing stare is back once more but somehow it seems softer. For a second Ahsoka thinks to glimpse something resembling empathy in the other woman's eyes. Then she slams her glass down on the table and leans forward. </p><p> </p><p>"If you really get me those sabers," she snarls, "and I mean, if, then we'll see what I can do for you." </p><p> </p><p>Ahsoka doesn't flinch. Calmly she extends her hand. </p><p> </p><p>"It's a deal then."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>there she is! everyone's favourite girl (sorry Padmé she beats you by a hair) finally makes an entrance. and if you've paid close attention you may have come to find she's learned from anakin how to successfully suppress emotions. fantastic!<br/>ive grown quite fond of writing anakin but if im honest, ahsoka is where the heart lies. </p><p>i'd be lying if i said this is where the plot starts because it really isn't, despite whatever this may look like. we're still deep in character exploration and to be honest, there's not going to be a whole lot of plot (yet again, if that was what you wanted you probably wouldn't be here). </p><p>the next chapter may be up in a week or so but im also literally in the middle of finals. once im done with the written exams ill be back on here but until then there'll be a little break.</p><p>thank you so much for sticking with this and leaving kudos and comments! im 100% serious when i say they make my day ^-^ you guys are the reason i convinced myself to give this thing a genuine try and reading your thoughts on the chapters is just the single greatest gift. have a good day/night =)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. rip this fic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>to anyone who still had hopes for this, sry. i took my exams, the rona happened, i took more exams, then graduated, buried the prom we would've had, and fell into a little depression hole. my obsessions have shifted since then, i thought i might get back into this one day but turns out i am not made for writing plots.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i will probably remove c2 and c3, just leave up the first one as an angsty one shot because that's the one I like most. i was really going somewhere with this, tho, so ill try explain it very shortly and why i never finished it and have no intention of finishing it. ahsoka and ventress were going to succeed, but anakin is inside waiting for them. he asks ahsoka to come back but she's not there yet, she wants to come back because she misses him terribly but it's not the right time yet. anakin of course doesn't understand and takes it that she doesn't want to come back to him, gets mad because he can't deal with the hurt of being rejected, and projects it onto Ventress. turns into trash-talking each other, Ahsoka pleads them to stop multiple times, then uses all of her power to Force-push them into opposite corners of the room. Ventress kindly fucks off with her lightsabers and Anakin makes sure Ahsoka's okay. she wakes up the next morning from another nightmare, still at the temple. Obi-Wan's there and they chat, pleasantly at first, then Anakin and Rex show up (don't ask me this is fanfiction i wanted cartharsis so he has a reason to be there). its all rosy for a bit until someone says sth along the lines of "so good to have you back" and Ahsoka's like "uh come again?". she flips her shit at anakin when it comes out he told everyone she's back for good, big drama moment of "I can't believe you right now" "No I can't believe you right now!" because they're both big dumbdumbs and Ahsoka walks off fuming. Rex and Obi-Wan get left behind and are both confused and saddened but not very surprised. Rex asks what just happened and Obi-Wan tells him about the nightmare, then Anakin's overbearing gesture and Rex gets real quiet before filling Obi-Wan in on Fives. There was gonna be a bit where Ahsoka goes to see Padmé (for my personal closure and plot-convenience), Anakin is a whiny bitch for some more time, his wife tells him his former Padawan is a big girl and can handle herself so he needs to chill tf out. oh also she's pregnant and he better get used to letting go because if he keeps up this bs he will be seeing his child on just weekends. Padmé continues to be a bamf and force Anakin into therapy, he's an emo bottom and goes begrudgingly, tells her about his nightmares. Sabé makes an appearance because yes, Padmé still has friends and doesn't isolate herself completely here. With her baddest bitch back by her side for work and love related things, Padmé is an unstoppable force. Meanwhile, Anakin's therapist suggests that maybe he's being groomed after Anakin talks about Palpatine as a friend. Goody two-shoes <strike>Darth Vader</strike> Anakin is appalled, relays it to Padmé later that evening and she just goes "huh" while making a mental note to have the chancellor assassinated. Either way, they start questioning what he would be groomed for and bit by bit our faves all reach the same conclusion on time. siege of mandalore plays out pretty much the same except order 66? we don't know her, Obi-Wan, Rex and Cody figured that bitch out long ago thanks to Fives and the chips are being quietly removed from soldiers over a period of days before the siege. Ahsoka makes the wise decision to call Anakin from hyperspace because Maul's little Spiel did a number on her and Anakin's Struggling™ so it's just perfect. He doesn't have time to debate whether he should go to the Chancellors office to help the council members since he's too busy calming down a panicking ex-padawan and by the time the call ends, windu has killed Palpatine.</p><p>Ahsoka rejoins the Order after some well-deserved soul searching, Anakin leaves after some long-overdue therapy and realising that Jedi life just isn't what he's made for, Obi-Wan ages significantly better in this time line and the clones are now only fighting for their rights and no more wars. Anakin lives out his days as a stay-at-home parent, <strike>if I'd felt cheeky I might have sprinkled in some discourse about him and Padmé splitting and Co-parenting because his love for her was borne out of trauma of losing his mother and clinging to anything that resembled home and shelter which just so happened to he the girl he thought was an angel, but eh.</strike> everyone's happy, the end.</p><p> </p><p>now for why i don't feel like revisiting this idea in the future. the finale to the clone wars was Worlds beyond anything I could have imagined for it. it was so poetic and, i do not throw this term around lightly, flawless. i realised while watching a Vader unlike any we had seen before pick up the rusted, frozen lightsabers of his Padawan, that this was the perfect ending to a story that i had grown up on. the clone wars was always destined to end like this, no matter how badly i wanted it not to. it was part of the prequel era and thus destined (doomed?) to end tragically. and i <em>loved</em> it. i have never felt like this about a series finale before. and quite honestly, it put such a nice wrap on the entire prequel era that this fic and the subsequent attempt to rewrite it in any shape, way or form, just felt wrong. now, I'm not saying fix-it fics aren't valid. i still indulge in them, and they are great. but i personally don't feel like writing one anymore, because I got what I wanted. a perfect ending. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you came this far, hope you're doing well. if you want to talk haunting beauty of the prequel era or my headcannons for jedi therapy (there's a lot) hit me up @queens-shadow on tumblr. either way, stay safe, stay healthy, keep ya head up! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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